Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.