sarah Funny Status Messages

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!

   Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   Do these yoga pants make your d*ck look hard??

   My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.

   Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.