nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.

   One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   When your children come up to you after a minor incident and say," This is the worst day of my life!!!" Just look at them.....smile......and say, "You haven't seen anything yet".

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   When I die, donate my teeth to the Walmart Cashiers.

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   iF YoU tyPE LiKE ThiS, YoU'rE prOBAblY tOo YoUNG To bE oN fACebOoK.

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   Really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarassing.

   The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!