minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.

   Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   So, this whole Mayan 12/21 thing - does anyone know if that's Mayan Standard Time or Mayan Daylight Time? Asking for a friend.

   I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....

   There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work.

   Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.

   I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...

   I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....

   Subway lawsuit defense ... maybe the sub was cold.

   If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.