eengrms Funny Status Messages

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....

   Just once I wish my iPhone would interfere with the airplane's navigation equipment and we would land in California instead of Detroit....

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   Weatherman are a little too excited to finally be right about predicting this big storm. You're still at 1% accuracy guys. Calm the $&#% down...

   We need to celebrate an anti-mothers day to reward those kids who made it through high school without getting knocked up...

   Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...