Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   If someone describes something as "better than sex", I know their either lying or extremely sheltered

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   I am so happy to hear that curiousity killed the cat. For a while, I was the only suspect..

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   It seems I have 3 personalities. One that has a plan, one that completely screws up the plan, and one that says "what the hell happened to the plan?"......

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......

   I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......

   categorically denies all allegations......Next question

   I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....

   Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery

   If I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian, I wonder if that makes me Well-Hung