MIke M Funny Status Messages

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   CNN just posed the question: "Who should get the Bin Laden bounty?" I don't want the dude's paper towels!

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.

   My friend Ryan is going to attempt to get his vasectomy reversed tomorrow. I told him they could make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private."

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an ass!"  

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   You know you've been facebooking too much when you're watching TV and you try to unfriend a channel. 

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   says, "Hello Monday..." the same way Jerry Seinfeld says, "Hello Newman..."

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole.

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   I don't see it so much as a cushion. For me it's more of a fart-absorbing device.

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker. 

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.