KAREN Funny Status Messages

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.

   The secret to success is in my bra.

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.

   He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.

   So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   You had me at gunpoint.