JMartin Funny Status Messages

   When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

   As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words, 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells THEIRS?

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   In order to raise awareness of Alzheimer's Disease, I will be randomly deleting people from my facebook.

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I bounce my boobs on the jfdslkhdjkhkjdvvgffdzbsldk;/ffdlskn\/njvglnxlk\cz/\/sl/\sn

   My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.

   The only resolution I've ever managed to stick with, was when I resolved not to make resolutions I can't stick with.

   Grammar died so that Facebook could live.

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

   The mullet is just a helmet for domestic violence.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.

   Baby Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you came from the dollar store and neither should you.

   Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.