JEREMYCAKES Funny Status Messages

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   Snooki is going to be hosting WWE raw on monday. Finally, a good match for Hornswoggle

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   I'm canadian and I want to say to America, Hey I love you guys, but seriously, you gotta take Jersey Shore off the air! You guys work on that and we'll see what we can do about Nickleback and Justin Beiber.

   Last time I was at the hospital lab they asked for a urine sample. I said " No more samples! Either you buy it or you don't! I can't just go giving away free samples every time I come here."

   in the words of the chef on the muppet show - "Orshky Borshky Chicken!"

   Charlie Sheen appears to be the real life Glen Quagmire. Giggity!

   I remember the good old days before reality tv when you actually needed talent to be a celiberty. Hey Spencer and Heidi, I'm looking in your direction! And lets not forget you Mss Tequila!

   here to remind you to help control the golfer population. Have your tiger spayed or neutered.

   Police officer says "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer"

   Had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Rosie O donnell. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale,and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire.

   With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow.

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   I can't watch Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Whenever they swing her around the dance floor, I'm scared more babies will fly out!

   I was asked today, " Jeremy, should I dye my beard and get rid of the grey hairs? Or do I look better with the greys?" So I looked this person right in the eyes and said "Aunt Shirley, you really should just shave it! You look like Chewbacca's sister!"