JAKE Funny Status Messages

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.