@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   Please God let me show you being a millionaire won't spoil or change me

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   Why is it called ''beauty sleep'' when you wake up looking like a troll??

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   "This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."

   If you look in the mirror in the morning and see cellulite,crows feet,saggy boobs and bingo wings.. Don't worry at least we know our eyesight is ok

   Just heard the gay channel have dropped the soap awards.