@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.

   I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.

   thinks living well may be the best revenge... but rubbing your ass all over someone's cell phone is pretty good too.

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.

   I like my coffee the way I like my bed... made by someone else.

   Chemically speaking... alcohol is a solution.

   Woke up with the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed... at first I was afraid... I was petrified

   Stephen Hawking is British? Weird... I never noticed an accent.

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members... that's how dangerous they are.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed... act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaay better than you.

   The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.

   I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.