MG Funny Status Messages

   living the dream, one nightmare at a time.

   Sorry, I've just been taken by surprise, am not sure when he'll bring me back.

   My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?

   I'm not impatient...I just don't like to wait.

   Surprise n shock as A KILLER whale kills a highly trained animal trainer! Duh! killer!

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.

   I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; other times I let her sleep.

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   Acute Gout Attack!! - The Vegetarian's Revenge!

   DNA: National Dyslexic Association

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.

   Lysdexicia at meeting 8pm sharp today.

   All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

     When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

   I lost my mood ring and now I don’t know how I feel about that.

   Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because they are plugged into a genius.

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/