Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 11:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 15:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government. 1. You must be old. Really above 75 years old. 2.The older you're, the higher your chances. 3. Death is an added advantage.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 16:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?" -How I pick my Halloween costume
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don't say I don't know tragedy.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife left me with my 6 year old and my 3 year old... and as if that's not bad enough, she left the 6 year old in charge.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.
←Rate | 10-04-2019 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.
←Rate | 10-19-2019 13:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:23 Comments (0)  

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