Funny Status Messages

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM