Funny Status Messages

   I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.

   So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.

   The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

   A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

   “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

   You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government. 1. You must be old. Really old...like above 75 years old. 2.The older you're, the higher your chances. 3. Death is an added advantage.

   "What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?" -How I pick my Halloween costume

   I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don't say I don't know tragedy.

   My wife left me with my 6 year old and my 3 year old... and as if that's not bad enough, she left the 6 year old in charge.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.