m Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.
←Rate | 11-13-2014 16:11 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.
←Rate | 10-20-2014 15:52 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.
←Rate | 09-30-2014 12:43 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.
←Rate | 09-29-2014 15:10 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.
←Rate | 09-25-2014 09:10 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.
←Rate | 09-22-2014 10:21 by m Comments (0)  


   messageicon My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
←Rate | 09-11-2014 17:14 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.
←Rate | 09-10-2014 07:20 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
←Rate | 09-03-2014 16:22 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.
←Rate | 08-27-2014 10:17 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.
←Rate | 08-19-2014 08:54 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.
←Rate | 08-13-2014 20:41 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.
←Rate | 08-05-2014 16:59 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.
←Rate | 07-30-2014 07:49 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 12:34 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....
←Rate | 07-04-2014 07:49 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
←Rate | 06-25-2014 15:25 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us
←Rate | 04-08-2014 04:20 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.
←Rate | 12-24-2013 16:01 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.
←Rate | 12-17-2013 16:30 by M Comments (0)  




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