andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
←Rate | 01-26-2016 08:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve
←Rate | 01-08-2016 18:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon 75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
←Rate | 01-08-2016 18:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting
←Rate | 10-24-2015 22:11 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday
←Rate | 10-16-2015 12:02 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:55 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:50 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.
←Rate | 09-19-2015 07:39 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff
←Rate | 09-19-2015 07:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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