JC Funny Status Messages

   Don't make me go all CAPS LOCKS on you...

   When I say, "I never do that"...what I mean is "I haven't done that in the past five minutes."

   The month of March - In like a lion, out like a lamb. A ferocious, saber-toothed, axe-wielding, lamb. Brrrrr...

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   there a better scream-along song than Journey's Don't Stop Believin'?

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   The older I get, the older old is.

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   I can't believe I wasn't paying attention at 1:11 on 1/1/11. Argh. I waited all my life for that to happen. Darn, darn, darn it. 2:22 on 2/2/22 just won't be the same.

   I'm convinced this formula is correct: big car stereo = small wiener

   If Windows 7 is my idea, why the heck do I have to pay for it?

   I'm an optimist and Windows 8 will be my idea.

   Today I heard that song where the dogs bark Jingle Bells. I must admit those are some pretty talented canines. I've been working on that song with my dog for two years straight and he still gets mixed up during the third verse. He's not the brightest.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.

   I am definitely spending too much time on this here internet thing. Today some rude dude bumped into me and I said to him out loud, "Double-you Tee Eff?!"

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!

   Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.