GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Overheard a lady saying she won't let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like "jumping in puddles". I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven't blown anyone up with dynamite - yet.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

   Why do people say, "Tuna fish sandwich"? Nobody says, "Chicken Bird Sandwich".

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   Just checked my bank account. And it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   Before you mock children who still believe in Santa, remember there are still adults who believe everything they read on Facebook.

   Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries.