@Jimboleem Funny Status Messages

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   The hot nurse wants to take a blood sample. If I can get some back into my veins, I'll oblige her.

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.

   I wonder how many fries are eaten every year between the drive thru window and the parking lot exit.