JMartin Funny Status Messages

   Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.

   Baby Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you came from the dollar store and neither should you.

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   It's not officially the holiday season until I've ignored a Salvation Army Santa.

   My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.

   My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.

   I just met a nerdy spider. He`s a web designer.

   Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   All I'm saying is black actors never adopt poor white babies. Pretty selfish, blactors.

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius, because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.

   In over 75% of mass shootings in the states the shooters obtained their weapons legally. You can't regulate insanity, but you can regulate guns.

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   NASA has confirmed that on December 21, late afternoon, the sky will go very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.