mckibben Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.
←Rate | 10-25-2013 15:11 by McKibben Comments (1)  


   messageicon A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”
←Rate | 10-25-2013 15:14 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.
←Rate | 10-28-2013 13:34 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.
←Rate | 10-30-2013 08:38 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.
←Rate | 11-18-2013 14:08 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I wou
←Rate | 11-20-2013 15:17 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.
←Rate | 12-04-2013 17:03 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."
←Rate | 12-11-2013 14:14 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target.
←Rate | 12-23-2013 20:57 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.
←Rate | 01-24-2014 14:56 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?
←Rate | 01-31-2014 08:40 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon The forecast for Sunday's Super Bowl has improved in the last week. It's expected to be in the mid-30s with winds of only 6 miles an hour. That's a good temperature for New Jersey. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the s
←Rate | 01-31-2014 15:40 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."
←Rate | 02-04-2014 14:41 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.
←Rate | 02-06-2014 15:48 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.
←Rate | 02-06-2014 15:52 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, "It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health." I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Cir
←Rate | 02-06-2014 16:01 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.
←Rate | 02-06-2014 16:02 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that’s also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, “You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?” While most people were like, “You mean I can eat my
←Rate | 02-08-2014 13:37 by McKibben Comments (0)  


   messageicon The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse
←Rate | 02-27-2014 12:10 by McKibben Comments (1)  


   messageicon Yesterday in California a couple walking their dog found $10 million worth of rare coins buried in the ground. It's the biggest stash of coins found since Oprah had her couch cushions cleaned.
←Rate | 02-27-2014 12:12 by McKibben Comments (0)  




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