Tim Funny Status Messages

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   microwaving metal objects.

   • Do you know one good thing about Monday? ...I can't think of anything either. OK Monday, here I come.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.

   thinks chihuahuas are really regular size dogs in tight skin. All that made it out was their eyes! That would explain why they're so angry.

   liking ones own status is a sign of self esteem. (X likes this)

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. "Hey, Mr. Embassy man... two snaps ka-boom!"

   Fripple - adj. Cold enough to freeze nipples. (etymology: combination of the words frozen and nipple) Ex. It is fripple cold outside,

   ... so the failed bomb was sewn to the inside of his underpants? How does that impact his hope of 72 virgins? Just imagine his expression as they stomped out the fire. :O

   My wifes new nickname is Karma

   Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!

   so he thinks he can make the desicion to change our healthcare over night, comin from a guy who took three months to decide on the color of his new bed room, and 6 months on a dog....

   | That whale grabbed the trainer by the ponytail and took her under. That is why that advice to, "remember when working with seafood, to always wear a hair net" is so important.

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   wants a Sunggie made out of ShamWow material

   Some stuff gets better with age, other stuff feels the effects of gravity.

   What is the job application at Hooters like? Do they give you a bra and say "Here. Fill this out."?