Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.