Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.