Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
←Rate | 04-13-2018 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet
←Rate | 04-12-2018 00:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 23:11 by Just.a.thought Comments (0)  

   messageicon I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
←Rate | 04-21-2018 11:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
←Rate | 04-21-2018 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 12:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"
←Rate | 04-17-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 01:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad
←Rate | 04-08-2018 14:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"
←Rate | 04-09-2018 00:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
←Rate | 04-21-2018 04:40 Comments (0)  

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