GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   If I truly posted what was on my mind, I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

   Hi

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.