andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.

   Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.

   You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips