Funny Status Messages

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.