Funny Status Messages

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   Dear AT&T, I'm not interested but appreciate you wanting to save me money. And if you'd like to save money stop mailing me letters!

   me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed

   I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.