KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Ladies remember: Being honest and direct doesn't make you a B*tch. It makes you the Realest B*tch no-one dares to mess with.

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.

   Of all the people I don't love, I don't love you the most.

   What doesn't kill me, might make me kill you.

   Dear Slut, Maybe if you closed your legs and opened your heart you might actually find true love and know happiness.

   I think a tampon makes a better vampire than the twilight guy.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   I don't love with my heart...I love with my imagination.

   Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems.

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   Saw a girl at Starbucks with a duck face. Felt bad because I left my bread crumbs at home.

   Guy's Remember : While You're Sitting There All Day Playing Call Of Duty , Your Girl Is Calling Someone Else To Come And Do Your Duty .

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.