andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.