Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.