Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   To the person who put those three stupid messages using my ID... Your m0m's 0rg@sm face looks scary...

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   Just because you don't have a pool, doesn't mean you can't have a diving board.

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   Anyone fancy a 68??? It's like a 69 except you go down on me and I owe you one!!

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Nothing better then waking up with the woman YOU love. :) - Me, waking up with the woman YOU love......

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   I am not afraid of heights... I am afraid of widths.

   Fun thing to do. Location: Shopping Mall. Items needed: Old Atari Controller and a friend as cool as you are. Stick the cord down the back of your friends pants and pretend to steer him/her around the mall with the joystick. DO IT!!!

   I feel like a MILF because Man I Love Facebook.

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.