Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I almost landed a huge fish when my line snapped. It was a reel disappointment...

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   If you can't sleep, call your ex and harass them. They don't deserve to sleep either.

   Cookie Monster: People ask me what me favorite kind of cookie, but me no can choose! Me equal opportunity eater.

   I took beano in honor of earth day and I'm not gonna dump my ash tray till tomorrow...

   Relationships are fine, if you're into sober sex.

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   You know what is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone.

   I've heard of Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine generals but, what in the Hell is the Surgeon general??? What does he do, order people to shoot somebody and then perform surgery? Talk about "job security" huh?

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   I'm stuck to the couch. I think I'm half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   I don't care if you catch me creeping your page. I'll like 74 of your posts in a row, what you gonna do about it.

   You know these pagers they give you to let you know when you table's ready? They make great coasters when you steal them.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?