StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

   Watching Man vs Food. I think I've finally found someone who's had more meat in them than Kim Kardashian.

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady

   Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   Relationship status: DTF

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

   As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my stats but never liking any of them </3

   If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.