Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.