GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, "The customer with the most money".

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   Everybody's a little bit crazy... It's just that some of us aren't afraid to take it out for a walk in public.

   My boss asked me to write down two things I liked about my job. Apparently lunch time and quitting time are not the right answers.

   It's finally October! Which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

   Okay now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for summer!

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.