GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   I just bought $200 worth of groceries... And then ordered pizza because I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries!

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."