Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for... It's to put your foot on, to get the tight ba$tard off! Or maybe that's just me?

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   "Don't speak to me, I will k!ll you, eat you, sh!t you, stomp you flat, scrape what's left of you off my shoe onto the curb and set you on fire!!!" "Damn baby, I just said good morning." "I'll go get the Midol and Pr0zac."

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!

   I'm learning Spanish! Lesson 1 is pronunciation. So far I know "huh", "I'm sorry what" & "Can you say that again please"

   I hope and pray for the day that seals become domesticated. I already have a saddle picked out for when I take mine for a walk.

   It's sad this past week's earthquake is the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in sometime now.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...

   My whole world just disappeared. :( Is anyone else's notification icon missing???

   In terms of emotional comfort it is my belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made c0cktail.

   Nothing makes people happier than when you are wrong and they are right.

   Hi Google Earth, Please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You.

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass

   I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.

   wishing I could invade my neighbors farms and take over their land in Farmville.

   Whoever invented invisible fences for dogs should be fired.