Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When a girl likes you, everything you tweet has the potential to piss her off.

   Women just want to be loved and valued for who they really are on the inside, not just for their physical beauty... Claws and all.

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   My coworker sent me an email that said "Meat me in the breakroom." I thought it was a typo until I saw her standing there naked.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Everyone who likes me is awesome and brilliant and everyone who doesn't is a selfish jerk. Weird.

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

   I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.

   Cop: Sir, did you know that one of your tail lights is burned out? Me: Well......I certainly wouldn't be driving drunk in front of a cop, now would I?! I'll get that fixed right away.......Thanks

   Thanksgiving: Stuff the bird, make some stuff, stuff the tables with the stuff you made, and last...(trumpet sounds)...stuff your FACE! ... You just made those trumpet sounds, didn't ya???

   There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   The world is at peace when you're eating a burrito.

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.