Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Based on the way it's being used "LOL" must stand for "OK"

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)

   Take your time, think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

   I bet Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.

   "911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   How's your day going? Here's a good way to tell: Is it "already" 2:00pm or "only" 2:00pm?

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."

   It's important to have goals in life. When you want to get something accomplished, the majority of your energy should be focused on accomplishing that goal. That's why everything I do is about trying to get laid.

   Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!

   Just caught a woman texting & driving. I hope she knows it's a very big distraction and if a cop saw her she would get charged a very big fine because it is illegal. Anyway, I guess I should pull over and get some gas, starting to run kind of low.

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   Guys, she makes you guess what's wrong, so you unknowingly give her other sh!t to be mad about too.

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.