Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.

   i like my women like I like my stamps, lick them and send them on their way.

   I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

   This years Thanksgiving challenge: See if you can sneak a bowl of Lucky Charms on the table.

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.