andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   “You wore that before” yea because it’s my shirt and I have a washing machine!

   If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:

   To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

   I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"

   My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.

   Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.