StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.

   I'm Homy... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.

   My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the preacher

   The leading cause of depression is reality.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   "What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   Saw my ex girlfriend working at Subway today. She had to make me a sandwich! :-)

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?