KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.

   Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.

   No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life

   A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"

   On his girlfriend's birthday, a guy took her to the car sale. Pointing at a tomato red BMW, he says, "Happy birthday honey! You see that red car? I bought you nail polish in the same colour”.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   I love it when a girl tell me she is not a slut and then 2-hours latter I've got her feet behind her ears while screaming my name.

   If sex is the food of love then masturbation must be the snacks between meals.

   Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   That moment when you're going to stalk someone and you end up stalking 5 more people because you need to understand the whole conversation.

   Ladies, it's football season. Time to dust off your vibrat0rs.

   This Vodka says, everything will be okay. At least for a few hours.

   You win some, you booze some!

   Some guys mess up and lose a good woman because they are so used to dealing with sluts that they have forgotten what it takes to keep a real woman.

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.