GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   Step 1: Go to a drive through. Step 2: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me"? Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs aren't one of them.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.