Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The diference between inlaws and outlaws...... Outlaws are wanted.
←Rate | 08-16-2018 18:20 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.
←Rate | 08-16-2018 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?
←Rate | 08-16-2018 02:40 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Forty years ago I asked this beautiful woman to marry me . . . She responded with, "GET LOST, CARL! YOU CREEP ME OUT!"
←Rate | 08-15-2018 23:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."
←Rate | 08-15-2018 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?
←Rate | 08-15-2018 20:10 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.
←Rate | 08-15-2018 12:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Auto Repair Price List Ping-Ping-Ping 35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk 50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk 125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud 200.00 Clank-Thud-Clank 325.00
←Rate | 08-15-2018 11:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..
←Rate | 08-15-2018 11:17 by Gerry Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.
←Rate | 08-15-2018 07:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.
←Rate | 08-15-2018 07:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Good people don't go into goverment." D.J.T.
←Rate | 08-15-2018 05:36 Comments (2)  

   messageicon You know that your wife's cooking is bad when dessert is Tum's chewables.
←Rate | 08-15-2018 02:10 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!
←Rate | 08-14-2018 06:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?
←Rate | 08-13-2018 21:49 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.
←Rate | 08-13-2018 13:20 by Reuben Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.
←Rate | 08-13-2018 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."
←Rate | 08-13-2018 06:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where do I sign up for the Space Force? I've heard "not if you were the last guy on Earth" so space is still hopeful
←Rate | 08-12-2018 23:31 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.
←Rate | 08-12-2018 20:31 by Haha Comments (0)  

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