Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 16 of 6367
"Is this really necessary?" -My voicemail greeting
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09-25-2023 10:44
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Yom Kippur: Hebrew for, "We atone for our sins today, which we will commit again tomorrow." Catholic Confession: "Ditto."
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09-25-2023 06:39
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BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.
When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants
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09-24-2023 08:23 by Eddy
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When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and a fart.
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09-24-2023 05:51
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I'm lonelier than Colin Kaepernick at a Garth Brooks concert.
The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.
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09-21-2023 09:00
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I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.
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09-21-2023 06:52
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Does anyone else have the urge to crank a hog when they enter a theater room?
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09-20-2023 11:32
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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09-20-2023 11:16
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We all know it costs $0 to be kind. But did you also know it costs $0 to use your blinker? Don’t be a d-bag. Use your blinker.
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09-20-2023 10:40
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Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!
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09-19-2023 09:00
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Why do I have to grow up? ..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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09-18-2023 13:52
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I got my Bettle Juiced at the Denver touring production of Beetlejuice.
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09-18-2023 10:30
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I love Instagram... or as it should be called, "Insecure Bimbos With Daddy Issues and No Self-Respect."
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09-16-2023 08:36
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Some day you'll go far... and I hope you stay there
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09-14-2023 21:24
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I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.
Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.
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09-13-2023 18:04
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Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.