Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "Is this really necessary?" -My voicemail greeting
←Rate | 09-25-2023 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yom Kippur: Hebrew for, "We atone for our sins today, which we will commit again tomorrow." Catholic Confession: "Ditto."
←Rate | 09-25-2023 06:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.
←Rate | 09-25-2023 05:51 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants
←Rate | 09-24-2023 08:23 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and a fart.
←Rate | 09-24-2023 05:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm lonelier than Colin Kaepernick at a Garth Brooks concert.
←Rate | 09-23-2023 13:18 by Fazzzzzzzzz Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.
←Rate | 09-21-2023 09:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.
←Rate | 09-21-2023 06:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone else have the urge to crank a hog when they enter a theater room?
←Rate | 09-20-2023 11:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
←Rate | 09-20-2023 11:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We all know it costs $0 to be kind. But did you also know it costs $0 to use your blinker? Don’t be a d-bag. Use your blinker.
←Rate | 09-20-2023 10:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!
←Rate | 09-19-2023 09:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do I have to grow up? ..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public?
←Rate | 09-19-2023 06:03 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
←Rate | 09-18-2023 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got my Bettle Juiced at the Denver touring production of Beetlejuice.
←Rate | 09-18-2023 10:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love Instagram... or as it should be called, "Insecure Bimbos With Daddy Issues and No Self-Respect."
←Rate | 09-16-2023 08:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some day you'll go far... and I hope you stay there
←Rate | 09-14-2023 21:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.
←Rate | 09-14-2023 08:53 by GobbityGotz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.
←Rate | 09-13-2023 18:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.
←Rate | 09-13-2023 05:58 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  




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