Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The proverbial saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' suggests that a complex task or great achievement that shouldn't be rushed and is a great excuse for procrastinating.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 14:27 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 14:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger
←Rate | 07-10-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!
←Rate | 07-10-2020 10:51 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 10:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me: sorry but I just can’t sugarcoat this my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.
←Rate | 07-09-2020 23:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its not that I'm heartless, its that I'm using my heart less.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 22:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 21:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're upset with a 200 year old statute and not the 70 murders in the US last weekend, you need to refocus your anger...
←Rate | 07-08-2020 19:25 Comments (0)  

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