Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There's a further south than South America?
←Rate | 10-24-2018 11:50 Comments (4)  

   messageicon What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"
←Rate | 10-24-2018 08:52 by laugh Comments (0)  

   messageicon Start each day with a smile and get it over with.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.
←Rate | 10-23-2018 19:42 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you
←Rate | 10-23-2018 10:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.
←Rate | 10-23-2018 10:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
←Rate | 10-23-2018 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water
←Rate | 10-22-2018 21:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.
←Rate | 10-22-2018 21:43 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.
←Rate | 10-22-2018 21:31 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.
←Rate | 10-22-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.
←Rate | 10-22-2018 00:25 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 12:37 by Luka Comments (0)  

   messageicon People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
←Rate | 10-21-2018 12:35 by luka Comments (0)  

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