Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   If it wasn't meant to be I really wish you would have told me sooner.

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   More than 7 billion other people in the world,and not one of them is naked in front me right now. That's not right...

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   Everyone is breaking up... Which means christmas is almost here!

   I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" is a first of sorts, with the song-lyrics being written as if she were a man.

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   Thanksgiving: The only day where it's American to stuff your face and be proud of it!