Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   You know you're awesome when you know you're awesome.

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   thankful he's not a turkey

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.

   The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals...

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.