Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.

   I like the new "like" button to "like" someone's response to a status they possibly "like." So, like, when can they add a dis-"like" button? You know, like to use on this status.

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down and use a lubricant

   The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Yesterday: Blew up some stuff by using illegal fireworks, drank too much beer, drove too fast., fired a gun. Ahhhh, Freedom America style!

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adult table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

   C'mon someone give me something to make fun of! - Me, talking to my wall.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.