Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.

   Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape.

   Judging by the fact that you wear Crocs, there is no way I will walk any distance in your shoes.

   I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   I do because I can. I will because I am able. I give because I've been given. Just a few reasons I love to 69. ;)

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   If you ever see your girl smiling at her phone, she probably laughing at my posts and picturing our life together after she leaves you.

   Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   "And they lived happily ever after" is just another way of saying "they are in denial."

   I'm glad Facebook will never tell you, "Not tonight I have a headache!"

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy?

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.